How to Help Children When a Grandparent Moves to a Care Home
When a beloved grandparent moves into a care home, we naturally focus on the practical arrangements. But there’s often another group who needs our attention: the children and young people in the family.
Whether they’re young grandchildren who love weekend visits with Nana, or adult siblings processing their parent’s declining health, family members of all ages can struggle with this transition. They may feel confused, worried, or even guilty—yet they’re often the last to have their feelings acknowledged.
This guide will help you support the younger members of your family through this significant change, maintaining precious relationships whilst helping them understand and adjust.
Understanding How Different Ages React
Children process change differently depending on their age. Here’s what to watch for and how to help:
Young Children (Ages 3-7)
Common reactions: Confusion about why Grandma’s not at home, worry they did something wrong, fear that other family members might leave too, clingy behaviour, or repeatedly asking the same questions.
What helps: Simple, honest explanations they can understand. Reassure them that Grandma still loves them and nothing is their fault. Keep their routine consistent and let them ask as many questions as they need.
School-Age Children (Ages 8-12)
Common reactions: Worry about their grandparent’s safety, embarrassment about telling friends, anger at the situation, sadness, or wanting to help but not knowing how.
What helps: Age-appropriate information about what’s happening and why. Include them in visits and planning. Give them space to express feelings and reassure them this is hard for everyone.
Teenagers (Ages 13-18)
Common reactions: Guilt about being “too busy” with their own life, worries about ageing and death, withdrawal or mood changes, reluctance to visit, or trying to appear unaffected whilst hurting inside.
What helps: Honest conversations that respect their maturity. Understand that their social life still matters. Offer flexible ways to stay connected like video calls or shorter visits. Give them permission to struggle with this.
Adult Children
Common reactions: Overwhelming guilt about “putting Mum in a home”, grief for the parent they once knew, stress from coordinating care whilst raising their own children, conflict with siblings, or financial worry.
What helps: Permission to acknowledge this is genuinely hard. Support sharing responsibilities among siblings. Help explaining the situation to their own children. Time to process their own grief without judgement.
Having the Conversation
What to Say (Age-Appropriate Examples)
For young children:
“Grandad is finding it difficult to do things by himself now, like getting dressed and taking his medicine. He’s going to live somewhere with people who can help him every day. It’s called a care home, and it’s a safe place where he’ll be looked after. We can visit him there.”
For older children:
“Grandma’s memory problems mean she needs more help than we can give her at home. She’s moving to a care home where there are nurses available all the time. We can visit her, and she’ll have her own room with her favourite things.”
For teenagers:
“We need to talk about Grandad. His health has declined to the point where staying at home isn’t safe anymore. We’ve made the difficult decision that he needs professional care. I know this is hard, and it’s okay to feel upset or angry about it.”
What Not to Say
Avoid phrases that dismiss their feelings or make them feel guilty:
- “We’re sending Grandma away” (sounds like punishment)
- “She’ll be happier there” (they know that’s unlikely)
- “It’s for the best” (dismisses their feelings)
- “You’re too young to understand” (invalidates their experience)
- “Don’t cry” (suppresses healthy emotions)
During the Transition
Keep children informed as things progress. Show them photos of the care home beforehand, explain what a typical day will look like, and let them help pack special items for Grandma’s room. Be honest about your own feelings (within reason) and reassure them that visiting is encouraged.
Read our guide on steps to getting into a care home to understand the process better.
Making the First Visit Positive
The first visit can be daunting for children. Preparation makes all the difference.
Before You Go
Describe what they’ll see—other elderly people, wheelchairs, perhaps medical equipment. Explain that some residents might seem confused or say unusual things. Prepare them that Grandma’s room is smaller than her old house, but it’s her own space. Let them bring something to share like drawings or photos.
Address their specific worries:
- “Will it smell funny?” Be honest—some areas might, but Grandma’s room won’t.
- “Will Grandma be sad?” She might be adjusting, but seeing you will help.
- “Do I have to talk to other people?” Only if you want to say hello.
During the Visit
Keep the first visit relatively short—30 to 60 minutes is usually enough. Focus on activities you can do together: looking at photos, playing cards, colouring, or going for a walk in the garden. Point out positive things like the nice garden or friendly staff, but don’t force cheerfulness. Let children set the pace and have a plan for if they need to step out.
Simple activities work best: bringing familiar items from home, looking at old photo albums together, playing simple games, or having a cup of tea together.
Learn more about making the most of care home visits.
After the Visit
Have a debrief. Ask what they noticed and how they felt. Answer any new questions that came up. Acknowledge both the positive and difficult aspects honestly. Praise them for being brave or kind. Most importantly, plan the next visit so they know when they’ll see Grandma again—this continuity helps enormously.
Maintaining the Relationship
Just because Grandma lives in a care home doesn’t mean the relationship has to change dramatically.
Beyond Visits: Staying Connected
For young children: Send drawings and paintings, record voice or video messages, make decorated “post boxes” from shoe boxes for letters, video call at story time, or send photos of school events and pets.
For older children and teens: Schedule regular phone or video calls, share updates via text, send photos from their activities, include Grandma in family group chats if she can manage technology, or write letters for special occasions.
For adult children: Maintain regular visiting schedules, keep Mum involved in family decisions when appropriate, share photos of grandchildren, celebrate birthdays and milestones at the care home, and don’t let guilt prevent you from visiting.
Activities That Work Well
Some activities are naturally easier in care home settings than others. Things that consistently work well include looking at old photographs, gentle reminiscence about happy memories, reading newspapers or magazines together, simple crafts or colouring, listening to favourite music, going to care home events together, walking in the garden, or playing simple card games.
At care homes like Newgate Lodge Care Home and Lowmoor Nursing Home, families are encouraged to join in activities and events, making visits feel less formal and more natural.
Special Occasions Matter
Don’t let important days pass unnoticed. Celebrate birthdays at the care home (staff often help organise this), include Grandma in holiday celebrations, visit on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, mark grandchildren’s achievements like exam results or sports wins, and create new traditions that work with care home life.
When Things Get Difficult
If Your Loved One Has Dementia
Dementia care presents unique challenges. Children may find it distressing when Grandma doesn’t recognise them or becomes confused.
Explain what’s happening simply:
“Grandma’s brain isn’t working the way it used to. Sometimes she might not remember who you are, or she might say things that don’t make sense. This isn’t because she doesn’t love you—her memory is just poorly.”
During dementia visits: Focus on the moment rather than expecting recognition. Use sensory activities like looking at photos, touching soft fabrics, or listening to music. Don’t correct or argue if Grandma is confused. Keep visits shorter if needed. Remember that your presence matters even if it’s not acknowledged in the moment.
Learn more about communicating with someone with dementia and understanding when someone with dementia should go into a care home.
When Children Don’t Want to Visit
Sometimes children resist visiting, especially teenagers. This usually stems from fear of seeing their grandparent declined, discomfort in care home environments, not knowing what to say, or unresolved feelings about the move.
Don’t force it, but do explore what specifically worries them. Offer alternatives like phone calls or letters. Give them specific roles during visits like bringing Grandma’s favourite magazine or showing photos of the dog. Let them bring a friend occasionally if the care home allows. Respect that they’re processing difficult emotions—this situation isn’t easy for anyone.
As Health Declines
As your loved one’s health deteriorates, you’ll need to make decisions about what children should know and experience. Consider their age and maturity, their relationship with the grandparent, whether they want to be involved, and what will help them process grief later.
Be honest in age-appropriate ways, give them choices about involvement, prepare them for physical changes, and allow them to say goodbye in their own way. Don’t force deathbed visits if they’re very resistant.
Read our guide on coping with a loved one in a nursing home for additional support during difficult times.
Supporting Adult Siblings
When parents move into care, adult siblings often struggle with conflicting emotions and responsibilities.
Common Sources of Conflict
Different levels of involvement can breed resentment when one sibling handles everything whilst others remain distant. Financial disagreements about who pays and whether to sell the house strain relationships. Guilt and blame surface with accusations like “You put Mum in a home” versus “You weren’t here to see how bad it got.” Different perspectives on what care is necessary versus excessive create ongoing tension.
Creating a United Approach
Hold a family meeting to discuss care decisions together before they’re made. Divide responsibilities based on proximity and availability. Be honest about what each person can realistically contribute and put agreements in writing to avoid misunderstandings.
Communicate regularly through a family WhatsApp group for updates. Share the care home’s contact details with everyone, schedule joint visits when possible, and keep everyone informed of health changes.
Respect that not everyone had the same relationship with Mum. Different amounts of involvement don’t mean different amounts of love. Acknowledge that proximity makes some responsibilities naturally easier.
Be transparent about costs and understand who’s responsible for care home fees. Consider proportional contributions based on income and document any agreements.
For Distant Family Members
If you live far away, you can still help. Schedule regular video calls, send letters and care packages, contribute financially to care costs or extras, and visit when you can and make it count.
Support the primary caregiver by acknowledging their efforts regularly. Don’t criticise decisions from afar. Offer to handle specific tasks remotely like researching care options or dealing with paperwork. Give them proper breaks when you do visit.
Looking After Yourself
Supporting others through this transition is emotionally demanding. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so take breaks when you need them, accept help from others, talk to friends or counsellors about your feelings, and maintain your own routines and interests.
It’s normal to have complicated feelings—relief that Mum’s getting proper care, guilt about that relief, sadness watching her decline, and frustration with siblings or the system. All these feelings can coexist.
Model healthy emotional processing for children. They learn from watching how you cope. It’s okay to let them see you’re sad sometimes. Show them that talking about feelings helps and that it’s possible to be sad and still function.
How Care Homes Can Help
Good care homes understand that supporting families is part of caring for residents. At Lidder Care, we welcome family involvement with no restrictive visiting hours, encourage children and grandchildren to visit, provide family-friendly spaces, and include families in care planning.
We support intergenerational connections by welcoming school visits and projects, encouraging grandchildren to join activities, celebrating family occasions, and creating opportunities for meaningful interaction.
Our homes are designed to feel welcoming for visitors of all ages, not intimidating or institutional. We have comfortable visiting spaces, garden areas for outdoor visits, and cafés where families can share meals.
Getting Additional Support
If children are struggling significantly, professional support can help:
For younger children: School counsellors, child bereavement services, age-appropriate books about grandparents and care, or play therapy if behaviour changes are significant.
For teenagers: School or college counselling services, young person’s mental health support like YoungMinds, peer support groups, or online resources specifically for young people.
For adult children: Carer support groups, counselling or therapy, Age UK support services, or sibling mediation if conflicts arise.
Final Thoughts
A grandparent’s move to a care home affects everyone in the family, not just the person moving. By acknowledging children’s feelings, keeping them informed and involved, and finding ways to maintain precious relationships, you help them navigate this change with resilience.
Remember: children are more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. Honesty (age-appropriate) is better than protecting them from reality. Continuing the relationship matters more than the location. Your support helps them develop empathy and understanding, and they’re learning how families care for each other.
The bonds between grandparents and grandchildren don’t have to weaken because of a care home move. With sensitivity, communication, and ongoing effort, these relationships can continue to bring joy and meaning to everyone involved.